so normally I love my job. it’s not super difficult, occasionally presents good intellectual…

so normally I love my job. it’s not super difficult, occasionally presents good intellectual challenges, and mostly I’m the judge in rules-lawyers’ arguments (they never win). 

today, though.

last night I picked up Fenris’ ashes and brought them home. logically I know it’s an important step in the grieving process. emotionally, I brought my friend home in a box. it sucks that he’s gone and I miss him so much it’s a physical pain.

and in the face of that, people arguing with me over things I’ve already addressed, or saying shitty things to me and accusing me of all manner of bad behavior or ill intent, is just the worst.

y’know how you’re supposed to remember that everyone on the internet is an actual person? well, sometimes they are going through super rough times. if you can’t find it in your heart to temper your misplaced rage with some fucking basic human kindness, how about you shut the fuck up?

thank you from someone being torn apart by grief.

from Tumblr https://suriel.tumblr.com/post/174603327827

man, the shit I get anxious about, let me tell you what. I have to use the Tonto Marshalling Yard…

man, the shit I get anxious about, let me tell you what. 

I have to use the Tonto Marshalling Yard for comicon load-in, which is different from what Loki & I did last November for Fan Fest load-in, and he won’t be with me, which means I have printed out four maps and downloaded Google maps for offline use, because I will not have my Magellan with me and I am srsly worried about getting lost. 

from Tumblr https://suriel.tumblr.com/post/174181701967

me, lost and lonely

today is very not good. I don’t want to lose my dog. the thought washes over me every so often and I have to go hide in the ladies’ room.

also Wolfie ate my sweetie’s phone, and my normally pacifist husband is so pissed he’s saying upsetting things about Wolfie. 

I didn’t know I had so many tears left in me but it turns out the loss of my mom was just the start of my pain. also: crying at work is the worst and I wish I wasn’t here.

from Tumblr https://suriel.tumblr.com/post/173969111262

having real issues concentrating today. I keep worrying about paying for treatments for my precious…

having real issues concentrating today. I keep worrying about paying for treatments for my precious doggo. we’ve only got a couple hundred dollars left on our Care Credit account, and our margins this month & next are razor thin. I’m hoping I can augment that with button, candy & merch sales, but apart from a couple orders from friends of friends, my sale announcement tweets and posts tend to go largely ignored.

from Tumblr https://suriel.tumblr.com/post/173073983892

I keep getting ambushed

the “call mom” reminder from my task app is the most predictable one, that I still don’t know what to do with. so far my reaction has been to hit the “completed” button and then cry a lot. 

that’s been my Sunday morning, every fucking Sunday this year – except for yesterday, that is, when, during my rewatch of season 2 of Sense8, we got to the “Will’s dad is dying” scene and I completely lost my shit. partly because losing a parent sucks so very much, but also partly because Will’s grief looked a lot like mine, and also partly because Will got to say goodbye to his dad, albeit through Riley, which led to MORE feels because Riley didn’t get to say goodbye to her husband or child in season one, and in fact I made a button with her quote “Death doesn’t let you say goodbye” which I can barely even think about anymore without choking the hell up. someone ordered one the other day & it took me about three times as long to make that stupid button because my face kept leaking.

I still don’t know what to do about my “call mom” reminder. I miss her so much, I want to call her all the time, and get pretty choky every time I have that thought.

from Tumblr https://suriel.tumblr.com/post/170007244442